Юмор! :D

i'm loving it

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

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HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.


HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.


HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.


HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.


HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.


HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?


HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.


HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?


HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.


HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.


HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.


HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.


HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.


HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.


HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Ghetto Love Letter

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Gul I loveded you,
Straight up fo'sho.
Or I wouldna told dem ova girls
not to call me no mo.

I knowed it was true,
the first day I seed you.
Why you thank I do,
the thangs I do?

Remember how I use ta wine and dine you,
Schlits Malt Liquor and Bar-Ba-Que.
I gave you a bubble baze and fed you grapes.
Dey was on sale that week a dolla ninety-eight.

Romanic evenins after dark,
Skreet light walks around the block.
Like the very first time,
you came ova to my crib.
And you got all scared,
cause that roach was on yo Tims.
I was right dare,
with a can of spray.
To be yo Super Negro,
and save the day.

I ain't even pay my light bill,
so I can take you to da club.....
Don't knock ova dem candles
and burn up my rug!

And dat nite we made luv,
for a long liddle bit of time.
I hope you got yours,
cause I sho'nuff got mine.

I woke up early and made you breakfast in bed.
Sep fo I ain't have no juice, no grits, and no eggs.
Didn't have no cereals and was fresh outta milk,
so we had some toast and some potada chips.

I use to rub lotion on yo feets,
and massage yo back.
I found you some glue,
when you lost one of your tracks.

Now what man you knowed,
ever loveded you like dis.
Gul please just take my name
off dat child support list.

I can tell how a man makes love

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John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4,
but I counted to 10.
See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
"Very good," said her Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today
and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very Good," said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because your blond!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today,
and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

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Девушка в баре подходит к бармену и, наклоняясь через барную стойку, очень сексуально спрашивает его:
- Молодой человек, можно вас на секундочку? Он приближается. Девушка:
- Вы здесь хозяин? Берет его за ушко и начинает гладить по волосам и голове. Он, наклонившись к ней, недоуменно отвечает:
- Может, и я, а может, и — нет. Она, продолжая его гладить:
- А где хозяин бара? Бармен, возбуждаясь:
- Будет завтра… Девушка сексуально засовывает ему палец в рот, а он начинает его очень эротично в такт медленной музыке посасывать.
- Тогда передайте хозяину ВАШЕГО заведения, что у вас в комнате для девочек нет туалетной бумаги.

5 лет. Детский сад.
Зелень ранней весны.
Пообедал и спать.
Обоссался в штаны -
Мама будет ругать.
12 лет. Школа.
Зелень ранней весны.
Под подушкой — «Playboy».
Все о женщинах сны,
Секс активный… с рукой.

15 лет. Дача.
Зелень ранней весны.
Торопливый минет,
Первый секс у сосны,
И любовь «на сто лет».

20 лет. Институт.
Зелень ранней весны.
Общежитие. Ночь.
Рюмки водкой полны,
Две соседки не прочь.

30 лет. Работа.
Зелень ранней весны.
Секретаршу на стол.
И под взглядом жены,
Совесть — легкий укол.

50 лет. Дом.
Зелень ранней весны.
Внуки требуют кекс.
Мысль о судьбах страны.
Да какой, на х*й, секс!?

70 лет. Снова дача.
Зелень ранней весны.
В огороде — бедлам.
Не идет даже в сны
Этот, как его там!!!??

Cедят нарики опкуренные на скамейке у всех истерика тут бабушка потходит и говорит ааа смеётесь мальчики,молодцы пять минут хорошего смеха заменяет стакан сметаны,один отвечает -Ну и сама кури свою сметану.

Cедят нарики опкуренные на скамейке у всех истерика тут бабушка потходит и говорит ааа смеётесь мальчики,молодцы пять минут хорошего смеха заменяет стакан сметаны,один отвечает -Ну и сама кури свою сметану





Пришла Вовочкина учительница к нему домой поговорить с родителями и, значит,
жалуется его отцу:
- Ваш сын в ответ на замечание в его адрес ответил, что тр#хнет меня.
- Сейчас я с ним разберусь, - отвечает отец, подходит к окну и кричит во двор:
- Вовка, ты с училкой ругался?
- Ну, ругался.
- Тр#хнуть обещал?
- Ну, было дело.
- А какого ты тогда на улице сидишь, иди домой, она уже пришла.

у.

к!